Dark Lordship for Dummies
by The Eumenides
Summary: Moaning Myrtle finds a book titled 'Dark Lordship for Dummies.' She decides to get revenge by tormenting Lord Voldemort with all the things he's doing wrong in taking over the world.
1. Prologue: Moaning Myrtle

**Dark Lordship for Dummies**

Disclaimer: We own nothing, save the plot.**  
**

Prologue: Moaning Myrtle

I was floating somewhere just past the u-bend in the very last stall of the second floor girls' restroom when something came flying at me. It bounced off of the rim of the toilet. If you haven't heard, I've had more books thrown at me in the past few years than is healthy, even for a ghost.(Around 72, just in case you were wondering) So, I wasn't too surprised to see... a book.

I bent down to pick it up, but remembered that, as a ghost, I can't touch things (Dur, Myrtle.), when I noticed the title. Dark Lordship for Dummies. I decided to go find Potter or someone and let them see if they could use anything in it for the war. I was floating out of the stall, when I tripped over the book. I paused. If I could trip over the book, then perhaps I could touch it. I tested my theory, and to my surprise, I was able to pick it up. I grinned.

Think really hard with me. I've been stuck in a school for nearly sixty years, the majority of it in the bathroom. I'm a ghost, so Voldemort can't hurt me. Yeah, I said his name, but the idiot already offed me, so I'm not too worried. And now I had the perfect weapon to torment him with. Another year in the bathroom pretending to be a over-emotional crybaby... or a year annoying the little bugger who killed me in the first place, telling him that he's taking over the world the wrong way. Myrtle, you've got a new hobby.

* * *

So there I was, sitting in the throne room (think sewer) of the greatest dark lord in centuries. Fun fun fun. He wasn't too happy to see me this morning.

"What do you want with me, stupid girl?" I smiled sweetly, and held up Dark Lordship for Dummies.

"I've come to teach you a few lessons about your running of the world," I said. He read and reread the title several times from his throne (think spindly-legged chair with soiled sheet draped over it.) He mouthed the word 'dummies', and said hoarsely, "Just what are you implying?" I smiled sweetly at him again, but said nothing. Then Voldemort recognized me. He gaped at me and I could see shock in his red, cat-like eyes.

"YOU!" he bellowed. "The one the basalisk killed." I smiled again, evilly this time.

"Well, well, well, Tom. We meet again," I said. "Beginning to wish you hadn't got your worm to blink at me? But then again, you never did like me much." I batted my eyelashes at him. "But I never dreamed it would lead to my death."

He pulled out his wand and shouted avada kedavra, crucio, sectumsempra , and reducto at me, in that order. (Just some advice, never try to curse, hex, or jinx a ghost.) Each one hit a different corpse muncher as they entered to bring him his breakfast. (I have been hit by plenty of hexes in my deathtime, and I've become so accustomed to it, I didn't even flinch when the little buggers zipped through me.) The last Death Eater was reduced to dust, something I deeply regret (cough, cough). Voldemort stood up and...well, we'll just say you don't want to know what he said to me. He also tried to curse me again (making sure no one was behind me), but since I'm, how do you say, DEAD, he can't do anything but yell and order me gone. And he did, for about half his breakfast, while I laughed. Afterwards, he stomped to his office, and I started flipping through the book to see what rule I wanted to 'teach' him first.

Oh Merlin, this is gonna be the best book ever.

* * *

AN: Sorry, it's not as long as we wanted it, but the actual chapters will be. We are taking suggestions for things Myrtle can 'teach' Voldemort. Just tell us in a review.

Chapter 1 would normally be out by next Wednesday at the latest, this weekend at the earliest, but our mom is sick. I'm having to take her in for some tests and stuff, so Alecto and Meg will be without my laptop for a while, and that is where what we have written of chapter one is.

Anyways, reviews are golden, even if they're negative. We like good ones better, though. :D

Tisi


	2. Glass Objects

Chapter 1

Do not Send Henchmen to Collect Important Glass Objects, Especially Prophecies

Disclaimer: We are not making any money off of this and don't own anything.

AN:(Blah) is Myrtle talking to the reader.  
'_Blah'_ is Myrtle talking to herself.

* * *

_With the shortage of henchmen with brains, there are many instances where one will resort to physical means to get a task done. Normally, this is at least semi-acceptable, but in cases with glass objects, this can lead to disaster. This seems to always happen_,_ especially when prophecies are involved. The best choice in retrieving fragile artifacts is to do it oneself. In cases where the subject in the prophecy is not a servant, the dark lord should at least supervise. Light wizards are notorious for trying to subvert the plans of evil, just as henchmen always seem to fall for their tricks. Above all, do not send henchmen into a place controlled by enemies, to retrieve a prophecy about the dark lord and his arch-rival, when it is planned for said arch-rival to be there. The prophecy, without a doubt, will be destroyed either by the servants' stupidity or the rival's brilliance. Other objects, such as magical vases, lamps, mirrors, and figurines are less famous for disasters, but the dark lord should still attempt to personally retrieve the artifact. As it is said, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself._

I closed the book, deep in thought. Part of me wanted to read it to Voldemort now, but I decided to wait. I had heard part of his plan to send his Corpse Munchers into The Department of Mysteries and somehow bait Harry Potter into retrieving some prophecy, and I could nearly hear the screams now. I decided to wait until after the certain disaster to read the chapter to his dark lord-yness. He might be a bit upset, and that would be just the thing to make his day.

Then old Voldio came back in, followed by Lucius Malfoy and some other Death Eaters.

"...and before our dear friend Potter arrives, grab one of those reflectoprophs, or whatever they're called, you know, the little mirrors that reflect to you your future- " Voldemort stopped short, seeing me. He said in a deadly voice, "Lucius."

"Yes, Master?"

"Hand me that book you're carrying." Voldemort inspected the leather-bound object for a moment. It was brown, with foreign writing on the front of it. It was a bit bigger than Voldemort's childhood diary, the one he made into a horcrux. He then threw it with all his might straight at me. It slid without hesitation through my nose, (Make that 73 books thrown at me.) and landed with a _plop_ in the excrement-filled sewer, the most beautiful thing in his lord-yness' 'throne room'. For a moment, the only sound was the drip of the leaky sewer pipes. Then Voldemort said to Lucius, "Nose. Fifty points. Top that."

"Um, My Lord?"

"What? You think you can best the greatest dark lord ever? Anyway, you need to set out for the Ministry at once, not stand here wasting my time."

"Well, that book..." Voldemort sighed in annoyance.

"Yes. Book. Nose. Ghost, so it didn't actually hit. Understand yet?" Voldemort's eyebrows would have been twitching, if he had any.

"Yes Master, I understood that. It's just that, well, I was just about to tell you, but that book had all of your diabolical plans in it, as well as that spell we found to make you a god. Sorry my Lord." Lucius quickly ran, er, walked, from the room. I snickered as Voldy summoned the ruined tome out of the green river. He looked like he was about to cry.

"Oh bugger." Again I smiled at Voldemort.

"Shall we start on Lesson One tomorrow, then?"

He glared at me. "I'm going to go take a nap."

As soon as Voldy's cloak had swished around the corner out of the throne room, all of the Death Eaters followed, save Lucius. Malfoy strode across the room and pressed his face as close as he could to mine without going through me.

"Look," Malfoy said. "I have given it a lot of thought and-"

He cleared his throat, seemingly gathering his thoughts

"Miss Myrtle, I would greatly appreciate your aid in a scheme," The blonde seemed oddly on edge to me. "Basically, Severus and I want you to help us," he began. "See, we aren't truly loyal to the Dark Lord. So if you cause a bit of _mischief _now and again, such as submerging the Dark Lord in a lake of torture, forcing him into uncomfortable positions in front of visiting Dark Wizards, and so on, it would greatly help us, without revealing our allegiance to Albus Dumbledore." His earlier caution had apparently flown out the window. "So basically, you are going to do anything we ask you to, without asking questions. Understand?" The blonde's smile was rather... shark-like. I pouted.

"But what if I don't want to?" I was expecting him to fall over himself to make up reasons, but the spy just smirked.

"But you do want to. You wouldn't be here if not to annoy the dark lord any way you can. And our plan lets you irritate him, with help, in addition to assisting in his downfall." I paused.

"With help? What kind of help are you talking?" Lucius looked positively gleeful, now.

"If you want a spell cast, something moved, a potion in his drink, anything we can get away with. Just think of the possibilities of having two grown wizards assisting you in your revenge. We will do anything we can to help in your plots, and in exchange, you will do anything you can to help us. Comprende?" I drifted over to Malfoy and stared at him for nearly a minute. He was just starting to look nervous, or at least as much as he ever did, when I spoke.

"It's a deal." He nodded, some tension leaving his shoulders. The wizard swept out of the room, pausing to comment.

"By the by, we will be leaving for the ministry in an hour. What a pity you can't come with us." I made a face at his receding back. _'Time to do some serious thinking, Myrtle._'

* * *

When I was alive, I did my best thinking within the welcoming confines of a bathroom stall, a habit I continued after I died. I was hiding from Olive Hornby in the bathroom when I was murdered, so what better a place to think than the home of the toilet I always hung out with?

So there I was, floating above a ceramic port-a-potty. I thought and thought, but, even if I set out hours before the Death Eaters, I still wouldn't be able to arrive at the Ministry on time. I came to this sewer by way of _flush, _a very fast way to travel, if you'd care to try. Ghosts cannot travel very fast of their own accord, and I did not foresee a quick way of travel out of Voldemort's sewer.

A crowd of power-crazy Corpse Munchers came back into the throne room, Voldemort at their head.

"Go, and if you fail, you would do well to..." He trailed off, seemingly deep in thought. "Not burden me with your punishment."

"Retrieve the prophecy and a Reflectoproph. Tonight, we will discover the means to defeat the light, once and for all!" When the Death Eaters failed to applaud his 'rousing' speech, the snake-like man hissed. I giggled. He actually hissed, like any common garden snake. He turned to me, wand raised.

"THAT IS IT! I am finished with you, ghost. If I cannot destroy you, I can at least destroy the object of your entertainment. _Incendio."_ A streak of sparks shot from the stick, straight at my book. I instinctively dodged, but his second spell caught me by surprise. However, instead of going up in flames like we all expected, _Dark Lordship for Dummies_ simply glowed for a moment, before returning to normal.

The Dark Lord lowered his wand, staring at the book like he couldn't believe it had the audacity to _not_ burn. I swallowed heavily, adrenaline still going, then I grinned.

"Oh dear. I suppose you're not really all powerful after all. Can't even destroy a book, now can we?" I drifted in a circle around him, acting like I was sizing him up. "I seem to remember a story about Harry Potter. At twelve, he was able to destroy a book, after killing a basilisk, with someone named Tom Riddle working against him. Ever heard of him? Well, let me tell you, he wasn't all that powerful anyway." He was livid, and had I been living, I would have been in more pain than anyone could imagine. However, as it was, he couldn't touch me. Physically and metaphorically.

"Any anyway, you are the object of my entertainment. Why don't you save us all the trouble and just curse yourself next time?" I was hoping he'd do something interesting, such as burst a blood vessel, but some idiot chose that moment to speak.

"Um, My Lord, not to interrupt, but we are going to need to hurry if we are to beat Potter to the Department of Mysteries." A quick _Crucio_ and that problem was solved, but the moment was ruined. The Dark Lord glared at each and every person in that chamber, saving an especially venomous one for me and my book.

"Get out of my sight." He swept out of the room. There was a series of echoing _pop_s as the Death Eaters disapparated, save one posh looking blonde.

"Ah, my partner in crime. How I have missed your stench!" However, instead of looking annoyed like I had wanted, Malfoy looked concerned about something, so I asked him what the matter was.

"I was hoping the Dark Lord would let me leave at some point before this whole fiasco so I could get word to the Order, but he has barely let me out of his sight, much less this sewer, since he revealed his plan." He ran a hand through his blonde locks. "I wish you could travel quickly enough to get to someone and warn them." I shook my head.

"It took me days to get here. I wouldn't make it in time if I left the day before yesterday." He gave what might have been a shrug.

"It doesn't matter. I'll just have to find a way to do it myself. I could always just go to Hogwarts myself, but that would end up revealing myself as a spy." He started pacing. "Potter would be worth it, but if he's not really in danger, then I would be signing my own death warrant for nothing. But if he really is, then I don't think I could just stand there and let him die, knowing that I could have prevented it." I frowned. I didn't particularly like Lucius, but that didn't mean that I wanted him to die.

"Just go. If he had a brain, he'd tell an adult, and not go at all. Even if he didn't, you could protect him at the Ministry. He might be on his way already, and you could be too late in getting word to someone anyway." He paused, and turned to look at me. "Don't die for something that has no value. If you are going to sacrifice yourself, make sure that the sacrifice will do some good." His didn't look completely reassured, but it was better than a depressed spy.

"Your reasoning is sound." He drew a deep breath in preparation for Apparation, but paused, smirking. "And Myrtle, I didn't know you cared." I threw my book at him, but he Apparated out before it hit.

I drifted over and picked up the tome. I glanced down at the shimmering red lettering. I thought it looked rather pretty against the black cover, but at the same time, it was rather cliche. Blood and darkness. I sighed.

"I wish I could go to the Department of Mysteries. It-" Suddenly, the book jerked from my hands, and hovered about eye level in front of me. It flung itself open and started emitting a red mist from the open pages that soon surrounded me. The blood-red cloud circled around me and the book, making me feel as claustrophobic as a ghost can be. I tried to float up through the top of the funnel, but the mist closed over my head. I panicked, and attempted to walk through the wall of crimson, but as soon as my toe was touching the strange mist, I was flung backward. My back slammed into the other side of the funnel, knocking the wind out of me. The mist continued to thicken, but it did not spread past the book and I. My last dazed thought before the world disappeared was, "Ouch."

* * *

I arrived in a round room, with a dozen or so doors leading out of it. My head still throbbed from my sharp contact with the mist, and my heart was pounding like a drum. Wait, something's messed up with that.

I slowly turned, examining the doors for a sign of where the heck I was. Hadn't I just said that I wanted to go to the Department of Mysteries? I stared at the book, lying so innocently on the ground a few feet in front of me. Had _it _brought me here? Was I in the Ministry of Magic? Bloody book. Couldn't have warned me, nooo, it just had to forcefully transport me half a city away. I kicked it, just to make myself feel better, before picking it up.

I decided to check doors and just work my way around. I walked through one into a room full of dust and books. I wrinkled my nose. If I was still alive, my allergies would be acting up right about now. I noticed the dust on the stone floor was free of footprints, so I figured that this was not the way the Death Eaters had gone. I walked back out, but then had a bad thought. The Death Eaters probably couldn't just Apparate into here, so they might not have made it this far yet. Just as I was about to re-enter the door to check for an exit, or people, the walls started spinning. '_Sweet Merlin, I'm never going to get out of here._'

Suddenly, one of the doors to my left was thrown open, and people in black robes and silver masks started pouring in.

"Move faster, you idiots! The Master said we must be in place before the brat arrives." Ah, Bellatrix. Circe, I hate that woman. She glared at me with a look that said something along the lines of, 'Get out of here, ghost,' but she continued to address the Death Eaters. Obviously, she didn't have the time to worry about me. "If Miss Malfoy had shown up when he was supposed to, we'd have time for fun and games."

"Bella, I will curse you, in-laws or not." My blonde comrade was the last through the door, closing it behind him. He moved his wand from her face to the again-spinning walls. He cast a spell, and the walls stopped. After a moment, an arrow appeared on the floor, pointing to another door. Lucius stalked to it, and after checking inside, waved the rest of the Death Eaters in after him.

Past a room full of clocks was the Hall of Prophecy. It had a slight chill that was more than physical. I quickly caught up with the group of masked witches and wizards. Bella and Lucius seemed to be arguing... again.

"Just do it!" She screamed, a few orbs rattling from her shrill voice. Malfoy lowered his wand, demeanor completely changing.

"Fine Bella, we'll do it your way. And when this raid fails, you will be the one our Lord blames for it." He spun on his heel, and stalked off to a dark corner.

While I had been distracted, it seemed all the others had hidden. Some were in corners, a few under invisibility cloaks, and there was even a pair that had levitated each other up onto the top of the shelves. The room was so dark that you couldn't see them, unless you knew exactly where they were already. Additionally, they had started casting Disillusionment charms.

I swallowed heavily. If Potter did come, Lucius had better come up with a brilliant plan, or this was going to end very badly. I caught his eye as he hid, and I could see his fear. I knew he was willing to die for 'the cause,' but that didn't mean either of us wanted him to. I nodded to him, and started back toward the round room. I might not be able to cast spells and take curses for him, but I could at least warn Potter of the trap.

I made it back to the room I arrived in. It looked exactly the same, save for a red cross on one of the doors. I poked my head through, and peered inside. I didn't see anyone, but I decided to check. I couldn't see the far side of the chamber, and there might be a door. After making a circuit of the room, I confirmed that it was empty. I floated through the door, and re-entered the round room, just to discover another two red marks.

I realized that someone was probably using the crosses to mark the rooms that were not the right ones. Hopefully they were just checking another room, but I had a terrible feeling that they had found the right, or wrong, door.

I decided to wait, just in case. After five agonizing minutes, I started to panic. Potter wasn't coming back out. He was in the prophecy room. He was going to die.

I flew through the clock room, frantically praying to all the gods and goddesses that I was wrong. The Hall of Prophecy seemed colder this time, I thought. I sailed through shelves and across alleys. I arrived at the scene, just in time to hear Lucius' voice.

"Very good, Potter. Now turn around, nice and slowly, and give that to me."

* * *

I knew Lucius had done his best to protect all the children, and really, he had done a wonderful job. He had kept the violence from starting for as long as possible, and that was probably what had saved Potter and co. in the end. As talented as they were, fourth and fifth years are no-match for trained Death Eaters.

All in all, while I was sorry for Potter, it was miraculous that Black was the only fatality.However, I was still furious. That stupid Dark Lord had gotten my Lucius arrested. Oh... That man will regret the day he ever rearranged his name. I did have a giggly moment when I thought of the chapter from _Dark Lordship for Dummies_ I had read that morning. Well, I supposed I could get my revenge.

My return to the sewer was much less alarming than the exit, but I was a bit too distracted to notice. Lord Voldemort was sitting on his throne, hunched over, bald head resting heavily in his hands. I couldn't help myself, and I broke into giggles. My laughter echoed around the chamber.

"Oh you stupid, hideous, cruel, snake-faced worm. I wish you all the pain in the world, and hope all of your plots end up as spectacularly defeated as this one. You do realize that the only thing you did tonight that was any gain for your side was the death of Sirius Black, and even that does not come close to making up for the losses you suffered. Some of your best Death Eaters are now on their way to Azkaban because of your stupidity and ego. You have got to be the worst Dark Lord I've ever heard of." He finally looked up at me, his red eyes full of hate.

"If I do nothing else, one day, I will find or make a spell to destroy you. Know that." He dropped his head back into his hands. I pouted. I was hoping to get more of a rise out of him.

"Merlin, you are in a bad mood." I frowned. This wasn't fun. He wasn't even yelling. Then an idea hit me. I knew I was smirking like a mad woman, but I didn't care. "You know what you need? You need someone to read you a story. Just like all mothers do when their children get sad." He looked up at me with disbelieving eyes.

"Are you serious? Never mind, I don't want to know. Get out of my sight before I kill you." Yep, grin still there.

"Sorry, empty threat. Only problem is I can't touch any books, except for this one." I pulled _Dark Lordship for Dummies_ out in front of me. He let loose a stream of curses, and not the magical kind, and flopped backwards. His snake-y head was resting on the back of the chair as he glared holes through the roof.

"Why me? All I ever wanted was to take over the world, but noooo, I'm stuck in a sewer with a ghost, have the stupidest slaves ever, can't kill the freaking Boy-Who-Lived, and my beautiful hair is gone." As he finished his mini-rant, I mimicked patting his head.

"There, there. I'm sure your hair was hideous anyway. Now, you just sit back and relax. I'm going to read you chapter one." I cleared my throat.

"'_With the shortage of henchmen with brains, there are many instances where one will resort to physical means to get a task done. Normally, this is at least semi-acceptable, but in cases with glass objects, this can lead to disaster. This seems to always happen_,_ especially when prophecies are involved. The best choice in retrieving fragile artifacts is to do it oneself. In cases where the subject in the prophecy is not a servant, the dark lord should at least supervise. Light wizards are notorious for trying to subvert the plans of evil, just as henchmen always seem to fall for their tricks. Above all, do not send henchmen into a place controlled by enemies, to retrieve a prophecy about the dark lord and his arch-rival, when it is planned for said arch-rival to be there. The prophecy, without a doubt, will be destroyed either by the servants' stupidity or the rival's brilliance.' _Oh, stop blubbering, you idiot! Or should I saydummy?_ 'Other objects, such as magical vases, lamps, mirrors, and figurines are less famous for disasters, but the dark lord should still attempt to personally retrieve the artifact. As it is said, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself._' Shall I continue reading?"

"I want to strangle you."

"Now, now, be nice or you'll get a time out."

He screamed.

* * *

AN: Well, it's better than it was, but still not up to where we want it to be. However, since we are following cannon for this chapter, there really isn't anything we can do that will not ruin the rest of the story. Oh well.

Thank you for all the lovely reviews last chapter.

Amy-the-rat, if you are still reading, do you know who the author is or even what nation it is published in? We looked, but weren't able to find anything.

Alecto & Tisi


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